I wish I could say this is a “happy” Father’s Day, but it’s just not. I haven’t spoken to my father in a few years and honestly have no intention of doing it either. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wish things were different because part of me does. After all, he is my father.
But there are reasons for which I feel the way I do and he is well aware of what they are, even though he thinks otherwise. After so many years of the mental, emotional, and sexual abuse I endured at the hands of my father, I simply cannot have him in my life. He is toxic to me and having him in my life just isn’t good for me.
Dad was a drunk and a mean one – we never knew what to expect from him on a day-to-day basis. He would come home from work – already drinking on his way home…so each day was different in that we didn’t know the mood he would be in. Mom would send my sister and I to our rooms when she saw him pulling in the driveway because she wanted us to catch as little of his wrath as possible. It was her small way of trying to protect us; something she couldn’t do a lot of during my childhood.
He started sexually abusing me when I was just a young girl, around 7 years old and this didn’t end until I was around 13-14 years old. This, of course, had a big impact on my life – I started drinking when I was just a young teen and actually had my first full beer when I was 10. The drinking progressed into drug and marijuana use throughout high school and my into my early-mid 20’s. With it coming to a head when I got pregnant with my second son.
Another impact from this was TRUST – I didn’t trust anyone while growing up and I still don’t trust people. It’s a hard concept for me, but over time – I have learned to trust a few people in my life. But even they have limitations – it’s just the way it is I guess. I’m always waiting for those people to “spit” on me some how, these few people probably will never do anything like that. However, I just can’t help the feeling of not knowing….
My father never served any jail/prison time for his actions, but he was indicted by a grand jury and was ordered into therapy (I think there was probation ordered too). These were the days before the sex offender registry was a thing. I do wish there had been more severe consequences for him – I feel he deseveres much more than what he got for what he did.
So, a happy? Father’s Day? No, but it is what it is. I will accept things for what they are. Do I wish things were different? Certainly I do. But will I make the effort to contact him – oh hell no! In my eyes, he doesn’t deserve that effort. Maybe some day I will be able to forgive him for his actions. Not for his benefit, but for me….I hope this is something that will help me to truly move on from this issue (not that I dwell on it, because there really is no point in doing that).
It’s a work in progress…