Damn, I hate having all these emotions!!! I’m so tired emotionally, so overwhelmed with everything – I just can’t seem to function right now. Between my daughter’s attempted suicide and my son’s addiction, as well as ALL of the consequences that go with both of those, I’m totally spent. I just wish I knew how to get through everything.
I’ve never really liked being able to “feel” emotions, mostly because of my childhood and being “taught” and told by my parents, Dad in particular, that I wasn’t allowed to show whatever I was feeling and/or thinking. Although I have become more in touch with my feelings as I’ve gotten older, this “teaching” has stayed with me my entire life, unfortunately. Being in therapy has certainly helped with being able to deal with all the emotions.
Not only do I have to deal with all these damn emotions, thoughts, feelings, I’m also sick of being judged for my kids’ actions and choices. Since they are adults, their choices and actions are way beyond my control and I wish people would realize that. Others just don’t seem to understand that although I can give my advice and try to guide my kids, I certainly cannot force them to do what I want them to do.
With all of the judgment, my own thoughts and feelings – my emotions are in overdrive right now. It’s really becoming difficult to manage them. Really wanting to revert to my old habits of self-harm, but I know that’s just not a healthy alternative.
UGH! I really hate life right now. 😦