I don’t even know where to begin today, just feeling down, sad, confused, angry, and lots of other things all at once. Per usual these days. Or so it seems.
Although my daughter is home and doing better, she still has lots to deal with emotionally and mentally. But she continues to move forward, trying to get her life straightened out – I’m happy that she is finally making the right moves to do the right things for her and her girls. Now we need to add another pregnancy into the mix of things that needs to be tended to and not only that, but the doctor is thinking she may be having twins this time….OY!! Her hormone levels are super high, much higher than they should be – we hope to find out in the next few weeks if it’s one baby or two. Just have to wait and see.
Along with my own troubles – including significant money issues, I have so much to contend with regarding my son. He said to me last weekend that he wants to end the addiction and he just can’t do this anymore. I’m happy this mindset is starting to take place, but the addiction is powerful – too powerful. After making a ton of calls for him, getting information from various rehab centers, I gave that information to him and told him he needs to make the rest of the calls. He has information the admissions people want, that I don’t have – so now it’s up to him. So far, no calls have been made by him. This not only worries me but also makes me angry. Why angry? First is due to the fact that I made all those calls – he was right here in the same room while I did that – and he has done NOTHING since then, except go back to the drugs. Second is because he gave me a little bit of hope and then dashed it.
I feel like he used me and my emotions to his advantage, but then again, that’s what he does. I have tried for so many years to not enable him in any way – no money is given to him by me at any time, I refuse to do that. All I do is let him sleep here on occasion and get some food into him. I’m thinking of even stopping those things, but I don’t know if I can go through with that. I’m tired of these continuous emotional games he plays, the roller coaster is just too much these days.
I feel like I’m taking care of everyone else’s needs and not my own, like usual. When do I stop doing this to myself? How much more can I do and put up with before I totally snap? I really just want to run away and never be found again.