Wow! I’m sitting here crying like a damn baby and this was just so unexpected at 9:15 in the morning. I saw a post a friend had made on Facebook and it triggered me to look up a particular classical piece on YouTube…..Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture. I had not listened to this piece in probably 20 years – at least. As I’m listening to it, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed – I thought it was just because I find this piece to be so powerful and beautiful. But as the last cannon went off, I started bawling my eyes out – with no warning and not being able to stop it from happening.
As I’m crying I’m feeling some very old feelings – ones that I’m not liking even a little bit. Unfortunately, I’m remembering how I felt as a kid being made to listen to classical music by my father. Of course, there were times that he made me listen to this type of music (which, at the time, I had little to no interest in) while he was abusing me – both verbally and sexually. Obviously, I had forgotten the ties to this piece when I searched for it on YouTube.
The 1812 Overture obviously has meaning to me – even though some of it had been forgotten. I do actually like this piece, as well as many other classical pieces. But now I’m a bit more hesitant about looking them up and listening to them – I’m just not sure yet how I feel about maybe forcing myself to listen and feel some of those unwanted feelings. Will it help me to force myself to listen to them? By doing that, will it help to resolve old wounds and feelings? I don’t know the answer to that yet, but it’s worth thinking about.