It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything about my children. I just don’t even know what to say any more. – I just feel empty these days, like it’s just not worth anything.
Currently my son is in jail on a few charges – possession, selling, driving with no license, disobeying a police officer, and missed a couple of court dates. Until last week, he had not written or called me from jail. But I did receive a letter from him last week. He’s angry at me for a couple of things, but I truly believe he’s angry at himself. Or – that’s what I want to believe. I don’t know any more. I have no idea how long he will be in jail, neither does he right now. He hasn’t gone to court for everything yet.
My daughter is 26 weeks pregnant and continues to use on occasion, which really pisses me off. Not only is she endangering herself, but her unborn baby!!! I’m so scared for that baby, I just hope and pray he will be okay, but the reality is that he may have issues. We just have to wait and see. She blames others for her using – the people who offer it to her, those who won’t stop her, etc. I’m like REALLY??? You’re the one making that choice to use, not anyone else. But she likes to blame others for all that’s ever gone wrong in her life.
I am so done with all of this, just plain done. I’m tired of the blame game, I’m tired of seeing my son’s mugshot all over the place, I’m tired of people informing me of what he’s doing (like I don’t already know), I’m just tired. Maybe I’m wrong for feeling this way, I don’t know, all I know is that’s how I’m feeling. Angry, frustrated, fed up, wishing I could just push them away and not have anything else to do with them (but, I just can’t do that). I know I’m not alone with these thoughts and feelings, but I’m just at a point that I feel like I’m done with everything and I want it all to end. I just don’t know how much more I can deal with.
I’m so fucking angry right now!!!! I’m hating everything and everyone at the moment and I shouldn’t be that way – I know this, but it’s just the way it is right now.
Because of my daughter’s stupid-ass, selfish actions – I now cannot see my youngest granddaughter until they go to court. I also have to make arrangements to see my oldest granddaughter. The girls are both with their Dads, as that is what is best for them until my daughter gets her shit together. This is all because of her drug usage – yes, I now have two kids who are drug addicts. My daughter being an addict seems to have far greater consequences than my son’s. That’s because she has children – therefore, others are involved too. And to top it all off?? She’s pregnant again!!! WTF!!! I just don’t get why the hell she is so fucking lazy – she won’t get a job, hell she won’t even attempt to get her damn GED! She says she’s going to do this or going to do that – but doesn’t put any effort into anything. It’s almost like she’s thinking that what she wants is just going to “magically” happen – just because she wants it to happen.
My husband and I did not raise her to be so selfish and downright stupid. We tried to teach the kids responsibility and to work for what you want – that nothing in life is going to be handed to you. I just don’t know where things went wrong with my two youngest kids – ages 22 and 24 now. I, more than anyone else, know that life can be tough – but you know what?? You do what’s needed in life – for yourself, for your children, for your family. You don’t just blow off responsibilities because you feel like it or you feel like using drugs is more important.
My 24 year old son is a drug addict, has been for several years now. Started out with pills, then to coke, crack, now its heroin and meth. He’s so open with me, he tells me almost everything that’s going on in his life. Including the times that he has overdosed and needed the use of Narcan, which he most recently needed last month. A total of four doses were used to revive him in one episode.
He also told me last month that he is now dealing/selling, apparently being one of the bigger dealers in the area. This scares me beyond belief, as I am very aware of the possibilities of what could go wrong.
Last week, I found out that he has been screwing his suppliers out of money. To the tune of thousands of dollars. Because of this, there is now a “hit” out for him. I’m not sure what the details are for this hit…whether it’s just to “mess him up” by beating the crap out of him, or if it’s more than that. I’m almost willing to bet there will be more to it.
I never thought it was possible to worry more about him than I already have been. Well, I was wrong. Now that I have this information, I’m more worried than ever, so fearful that I am going to have a knock on the door or get a phone call with someone telling me he’s dead. Since finding this out I have barely slept, so many thoughts going through my head all night.
I just want to scoop him up and take him to rehab. But I’m not delusional in thinking that forcing him into rehab would work. I know he has to be ready in order for it to work, but that doesn’t mean I can’t wish. I have cried so many tears over the years, way more than a Mother should ever have to. But this weekend has been full of tears, I can’t stop them from flowing. I just don’t know how I will be able to get through it if I have to bury him. But this has become an extremely real possibility now, more than it was before.
I never thought I would be a Mother of an addict.