Posted in Baby, Daughter, Drugs, Emotions, Jail, Son, Uncategorized

Fed Up

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything about my children. I just don’t even know what to say any more. – I just feel empty these days, like it’s just not worth anything.

Currently my son is in jail on a few charges – possession, selling, driving with no license, disobeying a police officer, and missed a couple of court dates. Until last week, he had not written or called me from jail. But I did receive a letter from him last week. He’s angry at me for a couple of things, but I truly believe he’s angry at himself. Or – that’s what I want to believe. I don’t know any more. I have no idea how long he will be in jail, neither does he right now. He hasn’t gone to court for everything yet.

My daughter is 26 weeks pregnant and continues to use on occasion, which really pisses me off. Not only is she endangering herself, but her unborn baby!!! I’m so scared for that baby, I just hope and pray he will be okay, but the reality is that he may have issues. We just have to wait and see. She blames others for her using – the people who offer it to her, those who won’t stop her, etc. I’m like REALLY??? You’re the one making that choice to use, not anyone else. But she likes to blame others for all that’s ever gone wrong in her life.

I am so done with all of this, just plain done. I’m tired of the blame game, I’m tired of seeing my son’s mugshot all over the place, I’m tired of people informing me of what he’s doing (like I don’t already know), I’m just tired. Maybe I’m wrong for feeling this way, I don’t know, all I know is that’s how I’m feeling. Angry, frustrated, fed up, wishing I could just push them away and not have anything else to do with them (but, I just can’t do that). I know I’m not alone with these thoughts and feelings, but I’m just at a point that I feel like I’m done with everything and I want it all to end. I just don’t know how much more I can deal with.

Posted in Daily post - One-Word Prompt, Emotions, Old Wounds

Daily Post = One-Word Prompt

Criticize

Oh, how I dislike the word “Criticize” – it’s such a negative thing.

I do not like being criticized nor do I like criticizing people. Finding fault with people just is not what I want to do. Everyone has faults, that’s just part of life – no one is perfect and that’s the beauty of life. People’s imperfections do not give us the right to criticize – discussing is one thing, but outright criticizing just isn’t acceptable – at least to me it isn’t. 

My mother criticized me my entire life, right up until she died. It was horrible never being able to live up to her standards, which were exceptionally high when it came to me. I never really fully understood her need to do this to me. Maybe it’s because of her that I hate criticizing people; I know there have been times that I’ve caught myself doing it and then I really beat myself up for it. I’m not perfect by any means, but I do try very hard not to do to others what was done to me.

Why do so many people feel the need to criticize, to cut others down, to make fun of, to judge, etc.? Is it because of our own fear of failing? Is it because we don’t understand? Is it because of our own pain that we do this?

Wouldn’t it be better to help others grow by being constructive in their lives, rather than be destructive?

be-an-encourager-the-world-has-plenty-of-critics-already-quote-1

Posted in Emotions, God/Religion, Hope, Uncategorized

Feelings of love?

Oh boy, have I ever set myself up for a release of emotions! And I’m not sure I’m liking what I’m feeling these days. 

After having started volunteering at the local food pantry a few months ago, the pantry director and I have become good friends. She is also a Pastor. I don’t know why this woman has entered my life, but she is there. Other than a couple of weddings and funerals, I have not stepped foot in a church in approximately 40 years, until this past fall. For some time now, I have felt that I need “something” in my life to help me get through life’s trials and tribulations. So I started attending her church about 3-4 months ago – it was kind of funny when I went, because I made the comment that the church would blow up because I was in it. Needless to say, nothing blew up. 😉 

God, and religion of any sort, have not been a part of my life since I was about 12-13 years old, when I basically “denounced” God. Given all the horrors that happened during my childhood, I gave up on God – thinking that I was being punished by Him for some unknown reason. I also had the thought of “If there is a God, why is He allowing these things to happen to me?” So, I just pushed it all out of my life – wanting nothing to do with it in any way. Until now.

Well, now that this woman, a Pastor, is in my life and I’m actually attending her church – I’m beginning to feel some feelings and emotions that have long been buried. And again, I’m not sure I’m liking it. But, I think I’m at a point in my life that I need for this to happen and that’s because of all that my family is going through these days (and has been for some time now). I just feel like I need a little extra help with getting through everything. 

So, I’m learning a lot about God and Jesus. Today during church, the Pastor announced that she is starting a new ministry that the church is spearheading. She then announced that I’m in charge of this ministry – this is news to me!! I’m actually excited about this as it allows my creative side to come out AND I get to help children! But after she announced this, she had all of us stand up and then had everyone place a hand on me and pray/bless this ministry. I got very emotional, still am actually. I’m not sure I can even really explain what I’m feeling, except maybe love? acceptance? Hmmmm…..I’m just really not sure yet.

Posted in Emotions, Old Wounds

Old Wounds

Wow! I’m sitting here crying like a damn baby and this was just so unexpected at 9:15 in the morning. I saw a post a friend had made on Facebook and it triggered me to look up a particular classical piece on YouTube…..Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture. I had not listened to this piece in probably 20 years – at least. As I’m listening to it, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed – I thought it was just because I find this piece to be so powerful and beautiful. But as the last cannon went off, I started bawling my eyes out – with no warning and not being able to stop it from happening.

As I’m crying I’m feeling some very old feelings – ones that I’m not liking even a little bit. Unfortunately, I’m remembering how I felt as a kid being made to listen to classical music by my father. Of course, there were times that he made me listen to this type of music (which, at the time, I had little to no interest in) while he was abusing me – both verbally and sexually. Obviously, I had forgotten the ties to this piece when I searched for it on YouTube.

The 1812 Overture obviously has meaning to me – even though some of it had been forgotten. I do actually like this piece, as well as many other classical pieces. But now I’m a bit more hesitant about looking them up and listening to them – I’m just not sure yet how I feel about maybe forcing myself to listen and feel some of those unwanted feelings. Will it help me to force myself to listen to them? By doing that, will it help to resolve old wounds and feelings? I don’t know the answer to that yet, but it’s worth thinking about.

Posted in Emotions, Hope

Hoping…

I’m so hoping that life with look up soon – I’m tired, I’m drained, I’m so depressed that I can’t even get out of my own way these days. The medication I’m currently on doesn’t seem to be helping, thankfully I see the psychiatrist tomorrow and we will address it then.

I really don’t understand why life has been so difficult for me – for my entire life, things have been hard. To say the least. But I guess I can say that all that I’ve gone through has made me the person I am today. Strong (so I’ve been told, not really sure I believe that) has always been a word that’s been used to describe me. I don’t know about that – but that’s what people see when they see me. I’m just plodding through each and every day, because, what other choice do I have? If I give up, then I give up on everything and everyone. And believe me when I say – I truly do want to give up! I have thought about doing this soooo many times in recent months – packing up my car with the essentials, selling off everything else, fill the gas tank, and then just take off to who knows where, not tell anyone where I’m going – or even when I get there (wherever that may be) don’t tell anyone anything. Just leave, don’t look back, and do not return. The only reason I haven’t done it is because of my 2 beautiful granddaughters….I love them to pieces and would miss them like crazy if I were to leave.

Hope – it’s something that I’ve thought about and still have in my mind. But, I don’t know if the things I’m hoping will happen, will ever really happen. I actually took a moment just now to look up the meaning of Hope…this is what I found:

Definition of hope

hoped

hoping

  1. intransitive verb
  2. 1:  to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>

  3. 2archaic :  trust

  4. transitive verb
  5. 1:  to desire with expectation of obtainment

  6. 2:  to expect with confidence :  trust

hoper

noun

hope against hope

  1. :  to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment

I guess the last piece of that definition is what I’m facing now. Interesting…..

Posted in Drugs, Emotions

I’m angry…

I’m so fucking angry right now!!!! I’m hating everything and everyone at the moment and I shouldn’t be that way – I know this, but it’s just the way it is right now. 

Because of my daughter’s stupid-ass, selfish actions – I now cannot see my youngest granddaughter until they go to court. I also have to make arrangements to see my oldest granddaughter. The girls are both with their Dads, as that is what is best for them until my daughter gets her shit together. This is all because of her drug usage – yes, I now have two kids who are drug addicts. My daughter being an addict seems to have far greater consequences than my son’s. That’s because she has children – therefore, others are involved too. And to top it all off?? She’s pregnant again!!! WTF!!! I just don’t get why the hell she is so fucking lazy – she won’t get a job, hell she won’t even attempt to get her damn GED! She says she’s going to do this or going to do that – but doesn’t put any effort into anything. It’s almost like she’s thinking that what she wants is just going to “magically” happen – just because she wants it to happen.

My husband and I did not raise her to be so selfish and downright stupid. We tried to teach the kids responsibility and to work for what you want – that nothing in life is going to be handed to you. I just don’t know where things went wrong with my two youngest kids – ages 22 and 24 now. I, more than anyone else, know that life can be tough – but you know what?? You do what’s needed in life – for yourself, for your children, for your family. You don’t just blow off responsibilities because you feel like it or you feel like using drugs is more important. 

Posted in Emotions, Uncategorized

Everyone Else’s Needs….

I don’t even know where to begin today, just feeling down, sad, confused, angry, and lots of other things all at once. Per usual these days. Or so it seems.

Although my daughter is home and doing better, she still has lots to deal with emotionally and mentally. But she continues to move forward, trying to get her life straightened out – I’m happy that she is finally making the right moves to do the right things for her and her girls. Now we need to add another pregnancy into the mix of things that needs to be tended to and not only that, but the doctor is thinking she may be having twins this time….OY!! Her hormone levels are super high, much higher than they should be – we hope to find out in the next few weeks if it’s one baby or two. Just have to wait and see.

Along with my own troubles – including significant money issues, I have so much to contend with regarding my son. He said to me last weekend that he wants to end the addiction and he just can’t do this anymore. I’m happy this mindset is starting to take place, but the addiction is powerful – too powerful. After making a ton of calls for him, getting information from various rehab centers, I gave that information to him and told him he needs to make the rest of the calls. He has information the admissions people want, that I don’t have – so now it’s up to him. So far, no calls have been made by him. This not only worries me but also makes me angry. Why angry? First is due to the fact that I made all those calls – he was right here in the same room while I did that – and he has done NOTHING since then, except go back to the drugs. Second is because he gave me a little bit of hope and then dashed it.

I feel like he used me and my emotions to his advantage, but then again, that’s what he does. I have tried for so many years to not enable him in any way – no money is given to him by me at any time, I refuse to do that. All I do is let him sleep here on occasion and get some food into him. I’m thinking of even stopping those things, but I don’t know if I can go through with that. I’m tired of these continuous emotional games he plays, the roller coaster is just too much these days.

I feel like I’m taking care of everyone else’s needs and not my own, like usual. When do I stop doing this to myself? How much more can I do and put up with before I totally snap? I really just want to run away and never be found again. 

Posted in Emotions

My emotions

Damn, I hate having all these emotions!!! I’m so tired emotionally, so overwhelmed with everything – I just can’t seem to function right now. Between my daughter’s attempted suicide and my son’s addiction, as well as ALL of the consequences that go with both of those, I’m totally spent. I just wish I knew how to get through everything.

I’ve never really liked being able to “feel” emotions, mostly because of my childhood and being “taught” and told by my parents, Dad in particular, that I wasn’t allowed to show whatever I was feeling and/or thinking. Although I have become more in touch with my feelings as I’ve gotten older, this “teaching”  has stayed with me my entire life, unfortunately. Being in therapy has certainly helped with being able to deal with all the emotions.

Not only do I have to deal with all these damn emotions, thoughts, feelings, I’m also sick of being judged for my kids’ actions and choices. Since they are adults, their choices and actions are way beyond my control and I wish people would realize that. Others just don’t seem to understand that although I can give my advice and try to guide my kids, I certainly cannot force them to do what I want them to do. 

With all of the judgment, my own thoughts and feelings – my emotions are in overdrive right now. It’s really becoming difficult to manage them. Really wanting to revert to my old habits of self-harm, but I know that’s just not a healthy alternative. 

UGH! I really hate life right now. 😦