Posted in Emotions, God/Religion, Hope, Uncategorized

Feelings of love?

Oh boy, have I ever set myself up for a release of emotions! And I’m not sure I’m liking what I’m feeling these days. 

After having started volunteering at the local food pantry a few months ago, the pantry director and I have become good friends. She is also a Pastor. I don’t know why this woman has entered my life, but she is there. Other than a couple of weddings and funerals, I have not stepped foot in a church in approximately 40 years, until this past fall. For some time now, I have felt that I need “something” in my life to help me get through life’s trials and tribulations. So I started attending her church about 3-4 months ago – it was kind of funny when I went, because I made the comment that the church would blow up because I was in it. Needless to say, nothing blew up. 😉 

God, and religion of any sort, have not been a part of my life since I was about 12-13 years old, when I basically “denounced” God. Given all the horrors that happened during my childhood, I gave up on God – thinking that I was being punished by Him for some unknown reason. I also had the thought of “If there is a God, why is He allowing these things to happen to me?” So, I just pushed it all out of my life – wanting nothing to do with it in any way. Until now.

Well, now that this woman, a Pastor, is in my life and I’m actually attending her church – I’m beginning to feel some feelings and emotions that have long been buried. And again, I’m not sure I’m liking it. But, I think I’m at a point in my life that I need for this to happen and that’s because of all that my family is going through these days (and has been for some time now). I just feel like I need a little extra help with getting through everything. 

So, I’m learning a lot about God and Jesus. Today during church, the Pastor announced that she is starting a new ministry that the church is spearheading. She then announced that I’m in charge of this ministry – this is news to me!! I’m actually excited about this as it allows my creative side to come out AND I get to help children! But after she announced this, she had all of us stand up and then had everyone place a hand on me and pray/bless this ministry. I got very emotional, still am actually. I’m not sure I can even really explain what I’m feeling, except maybe love? acceptance? Hmmmm…..I’m just really not sure yet.

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Posted in Emotions, Hope

Hoping…

I’m so hoping that life with look up soon – I’m tired, I’m drained, I’m so depressed that I can’t even get out of my own way these days. The medication I’m currently on doesn’t seem to be helping, thankfully I see the psychiatrist tomorrow and we will address it then.

I really don’t understand why life has been so difficult for me – for my entire life, things have been hard. To say the least. But I guess I can say that all that I’ve gone through has made me the person I am today. Strong (so I’ve been told, not really sure I believe that) has always been a word that’s been used to describe me. I don’t know about that – but that’s what people see when they see me. I’m just plodding through each and every day, because, what other choice do I have? If I give up, then I give up on everything and everyone. And believe me when I say – I truly do want to give up! I have thought about doing this soooo many times in recent months – packing up my car with the essentials, selling off everything else, fill the gas tank, and then just take off to who knows where, not tell anyone where I’m going – or even when I get there (wherever that may be) don’t tell anyone anything. Just leave, don’t look back, and do not return. The only reason I haven’t done it is because of my 2 beautiful granddaughters….I love them to pieces and would miss them like crazy if I were to leave.

Hope – it’s something that I’ve thought about and still have in my mind. But, I don’t know if the things I’m hoping will happen, will ever really happen. I actually took a moment just now to look up the meaning of Hope…this is what I found:

Definition of hope

hoped

hoping

  1. intransitive verb
  2. 1:  to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>

  3. 2archaic :  trust

  4. transitive verb
  5. 1:  to desire with expectation of obtainment

  6. 2:  to expect with confidence :  trust

hoper

noun

hope against hope

  1. :  to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment

I guess the last piece of that definition is what I’m facing now. Interesting…..