Posted in Uncategorized, Weekly Photo Challenge

Weekly Photo Challenge – Atop

Atop

This picture is one of several I took 5 years ago in a nearby town. This arch sits on a small hill and this was a beautiful March day (when we didn’t have much snow apparently), so my son, daughter-in-law, and myself went up there for a few hours one afternoon. They both did some drawing while I took some pictures.

Here’s a link in case anyone would like a little history on this arch – enjoy!  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memorial_Arch_of_Tilton

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Daily Prompt – Label

via Daily Prompt: Label

Personally, when I think of the word label I think of stereotyping and I hate that we have so many labels for people. We aren’t a label, we are PEOPLE, with feelings as well as being able to think and have opinions about anything at all. Labels really don’t describe people – we are WAY more interesting than a stupid label and everyone really needs to remember that. 

Stereotyping sucks, plain and simple. Just because some people who may be similar – for whatever reason – might do things the same or even close to the same, doesn’t mean that all from that group will do that. I may have a similar background as others, but that certainly doesn’t mean anything when it comes to the way I think, how I might respond to something, or how I feel about things. It just simply means our backgrounds are similar, that’s it.

Let’s get over trying to fit everyone with a label….

Posted in Baby, Daughter, Drugs, Emotions, Jail, Son, Uncategorized

Fed Up

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything about my children. I just don’t even know what to say any more. – I just feel empty these days, like it’s just not worth anything.

Currently my son is in jail on a few charges – possession, selling, driving with no license, disobeying a police officer, and missed a couple of court dates. Until last week, he had not written or called me from jail. But I did receive a letter from him last week. He’s angry at me for a couple of things, but I truly believe he’s angry at himself. Or – that’s what I want to believe. I don’t know any more. I have no idea how long he will be in jail, neither does he right now. He hasn’t gone to court for everything yet.

My daughter is 26 weeks pregnant and continues to use on occasion, which really pisses me off. Not only is she endangering herself, but her unborn baby!!! I’m so scared for that baby, I just hope and pray he will be okay, but the reality is that he may have issues. We just have to wait and see. She blames others for her using – the people who offer it to her, those who won’t stop her, etc. I’m like REALLY??? You’re the one making that choice to use, not anyone else. But she likes to blame others for all that’s ever gone wrong in her life.

I am so done with all of this, just plain done. I’m tired of the blame game, I’m tired of seeing my son’s mugshot all over the place, I’m tired of people informing me of what he’s doing (like I don’t already know), I’m just tired. Maybe I’m wrong for feeling this way, I don’t know, all I know is that’s how I’m feeling. Angry, frustrated, fed up, wishing I could just push them away and not have anything else to do with them (but, I just can’t do that). I know I’m not alone with these thoughts and feelings, but I’m just at a point that I feel like I’m done with everything and I want it all to end. I just don’t know how much more I can deal with.

Posted in Emotions, God/Religion, Hope, Uncategorized

Feelings of love?

Oh boy, have I ever set myself up for a release of emotions! And I’m not sure I’m liking what I’m feeling these days. 

After having started volunteering at the local food pantry a few months ago, the pantry director and I have become good friends. She is also a Pastor. I don’t know why this woman has entered my life, but she is there. Other than a couple of weddings and funerals, I have not stepped foot in a church in approximately 40 years, until this past fall. For some time now, I have felt that I need “something” in my life to help me get through life’s trials and tribulations. So I started attending her church about 3-4 months ago – it was kind of funny when I went, because I made the comment that the church would blow up because I was in it. Needless to say, nothing blew up. 😉 

God, and religion of any sort, have not been a part of my life since I was about 12-13 years old, when I basically “denounced” God. Given all the horrors that happened during my childhood, I gave up on God – thinking that I was being punished by Him for some unknown reason. I also had the thought of “If there is a God, why is He allowing these things to happen to me?” So, I just pushed it all out of my life – wanting nothing to do with it in any way. Until now.

Well, now that this woman, a Pastor, is in my life and I’m actually attending her church – I’m beginning to feel some feelings and emotions that have long been buried. And again, I’m not sure I’m liking it. But, I think I’m at a point in my life that I need for this to happen and that’s because of all that my family is going through these days (and has been for some time now). I just feel like I need a little extra help with getting through everything. 

So, I’m learning a lot about God and Jesus. Today during church, the Pastor announced that she is starting a new ministry that the church is spearheading. She then announced that I’m in charge of this ministry – this is news to me!! I’m actually excited about this as it allows my creative side to come out AND I get to help children! But after she announced this, she had all of us stand up and then had everyone place a hand on me and pray/bless this ministry. I got very emotional, still am actually. I’m not sure I can even really explain what I’m feeling, except maybe love? acceptance? Hmmmm…..I’m just really not sure yet.

Posted in Emotions, Uncategorized

Everyone Else’s Needs….

I don’t even know where to begin today, just feeling down, sad, confused, angry, and lots of other things all at once. Per usual these days. Or so it seems.

Although my daughter is home and doing better, she still has lots to deal with emotionally and mentally. But she continues to move forward, trying to get her life straightened out – I’m happy that she is finally making the right moves to do the right things for her and her girls. Now we need to add another pregnancy into the mix of things that needs to be tended to and not only that, but the doctor is thinking she may be having twins this time….OY!! Her hormone levels are super high, much higher than they should be – we hope to find out in the next few weeks if it’s one baby or two. Just have to wait and see.

Along with my own troubles – including significant money issues, I have so much to contend with regarding my son. He said to me last weekend that he wants to end the addiction and he just can’t do this anymore. I’m happy this mindset is starting to take place, but the addiction is powerful – too powerful. After making a ton of calls for him, getting information from various rehab centers, I gave that information to him and told him he needs to make the rest of the calls. He has information the admissions people want, that I don’t have – so now it’s up to him. So far, no calls have been made by him. This not only worries me but also makes me angry. Why angry? First is due to the fact that I made all those calls – he was right here in the same room while I did that – and he has done NOTHING since then, except go back to the drugs. Second is because he gave me a little bit of hope and then dashed it.

I feel like he used me and my emotions to his advantage, but then again, that’s what he does. I have tried for so many years to not enable him in any way – no money is given to him by me at any time, I refuse to do that. All I do is let him sleep here on occasion and get some food into him. I’m thinking of even stopping those things, but I don’t know if I can go through with that. I’m tired of these continuous emotional games he plays, the roller coaster is just too much these days.

I feel like I’m taking care of everyone else’s needs and not my own, like usual. When do I stop doing this to myself? How much more can I do and put up with before I totally snap? I really just want to run away and never be found again. 

Posted in Uncategorized

Millions of Thoughts

via Daily Prompt: Millions

Millions – I’ve probably had millions of thoughts this week, like most people, but this week has been especially hard and has prompted those “millions” of thoughts. Because my daughter attempted suicide earlier this week, it’s been a whirlwind of emotions, thoughts, feelings, etc. Not really knowing what to do with all those has been difficult to get through, it’s also been extremely tiring. Fatigued just isn’t a strong enough word to describe just how tired I am right now.

But this week hasn’t been about me and it shouldn’t be – it’s about my daughter and her “millions” of thoughts. Those thoughts are what prompted her to try taking her life, those so many millions of short, rapid thoughts going through her head all at once were just too much for her to try dealing with. She just felt everyone would be so much better off without her in this world – including her two young daughters. I hope, with time and therapy, she can come to find some peace with all those “millions” of thoughts she has had for so long. I hope she will be able to replace those thoughts with millions of good ones. She deserves that much; so do her daughters. They should not live without their mother, they deserve to have her for as long as humanly possible. I hope she keeps them in mind in the future.

Let’s hope this next week, and all those after it, brings many more “millions” of GOOD thoughts to all.

Posted in Uncategorized

Father’s Day?

I wish I could say this is a “happy” Father’s Day, but it’s just not. I haven’t spoken to my father in a few years and honestly have no intention of doing it either. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wish things were different because part of me does. After all, he is my father.

But there are reasons for which I feel the way I do and he is well aware of what they are, even though he thinks otherwise. After so many years of the mental, emotional, and sexual abuse I endured at the hands of my father, I simply cannot have him in my life. He is toxic to me and having him in my life just isn’t good for me.

Dad was a drunk and a mean one – we never knew what to expect from him on a day-to-day basis. He would come home from work – already drinking on his way home…so each day was different in that we didn’t know the mood he would be in. Mom would send my sister and I to our rooms when she saw him pulling in the driveway because she wanted us to catch as little of his wrath as possible. It was her small way of trying to protect us; something she couldn’t do a lot of during my childhood.

He started sexually abusing me when I was just a young girl, around 7 years old and this didn’t end until I was around 13-14 years old. This, of course, had a big impact on my life – I started drinking when I was just a young teen and actually had my first full beer when I was 10. The drinking progressed into drug and marijuana use throughout high school and my into my early-mid 20’s. With it coming to a head when I got pregnant with my second son.

Another impact from this was TRUST – I didn’t trust anyone while growing up and I still don’t trust people. It’s a hard concept for me, but over time – I have learned to trust a few people in my life. But even they have limitations – it’s just the way it is I guess. I’m always waiting for those people to “spit” on me some how, these few people probably will never do anything like that. However, I just can’t help the feeling of not knowing….

My father never served any jail/prison time for his actions, but he was indicted by a grand jury and was ordered into therapy (I think there was probation ordered too). These were the days before the sex offender registry was a thing. I do wish there had been more severe consequences for him – I feel he deseveres much more than what he got for what he did.

So, a happy? Father’s Day? No, but it is what it is. I will accept things for what they are. Do I wish things were different? Certainly I do. But will I make the effort to contact him – oh hell no! In my eyes, he doesn’t deserve that effort. Maybe some day I will be able to forgive him for his actions. Not for his benefit, but for me….I hope this is something that will help me to truly move on from this issue (not that I dwell on it, because there really is no point in doing that).

It’s a work in progress…

Posted in Uncategorized

What is my “Perfection”?

Imperfection – that’s what my sense of perfection is. I say this because I am totally imperfect and I’m okay with that. For so long, I tried to obtain perfection in my life – but just wasn’t able to get there. Finally, I realized there is no such as perfection – especially in people, myself included.

Life is totally unpredictable, you just never know what curve ball may get thrown your way. This definitely leads to things being imperfect, no matter how hard you try to make things otherwise. I’m still in the learning phase of going with the flow in life, it’s not always easy as I do tend to be my own worst critic and to be a perfectionist. But I guess all I can do is to keep trying.

It’s okay to not be perfect, but it’s also okay to strive for your sense of perfection for your life.

So yes, my idea of perfection is simple – be IMPERFECT!