Posted in Emotions, Hope

Hoping…

I’m so hoping that life with look up soon – I’m tired, I’m drained, I’m so depressed that I can’t even get out of my own way these days. The medication I’m currently on doesn’t seem to be helping, thankfully I see the psychiatrist tomorrow and we will address it then.

I really don’t understand why life has been so difficult for me – for my entire life, things have been hard. To say the least. But I guess I can say that all that I’ve gone through has made me the person I am today. Strong (so I’ve been told, not really sure I believe that) has always been a word that’s been used to describe me. I don’t know about that – but that’s what people see when they see me. I’m just plodding through each and every day, because, what other choice do I have? If I give up, then I give up on everything and everyone. And believe me when I say – I truly do want to give up! I have thought about doing this soooo many times in recent months – packing up my car with the essentials, selling off everything else, fill the gas tank, and then just take off to who knows where, not tell anyone where I’m going – or even when I get there (wherever that may be) don’t tell anyone anything. Just leave, don’t look back, and do not return. The only reason I haven’t done it is because of my 2 beautiful granddaughters….I love them to pieces and would miss them like crazy if I were to leave.

Hope – it’s something that I’ve thought about and still have in my mind. But, I don’t know if the things I’m hoping will happen, will ever really happen. I actually took a moment just now to look up the meaning of Hope…this is what I found:

Definition of hope

hoped

hoping

  1. intransitive verb
  2. 1:  to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>

  3. 2archaic :  trust

  4. transitive verb
  5. 1:  to desire with expectation of obtainment

  6. 2:  to expect with confidence :  trust

hoper

noun

hope against hope

  1. :  to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment

I guess the last piece of that definition is what I’m facing now. Interesting…..

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Posted in Drugs, Emotions

I’m angry…

I’m so fucking angry right now!!!! I’m hating everything and everyone at the moment and I shouldn’t be that way – I know this, but it’s just the way it is right now. 

Because of my daughter’s stupid-ass, selfish actions – I now cannot see my youngest granddaughter until they go to court. I also have to make arrangements to see my oldest granddaughter. The girls are both with their Dads, as that is what is best for them until my daughter gets her shit together. This is all because of her drug usage – yes, I now have two kids who are drug addicts. My daughter being an addict seems to have far greater consequences than my son’s. That’s because she has children – therefore, others are involved too. And to top it all off?? She’s pregnant again!!! WTF!!! I just don’t get why the hell she is so fucking lazy – she won’t get a job, hell she won’t even attempt to get her damn GED! She says she’s going to do this or going to do that – but doesn’t put any effort into anything. It’s almost like she’s thinking that what she wants is just going to “magically” happen – just because she wants it to happen.

My husband and I did not raise her to be so selfish and downright stupid. We tried to teach the kids responsibility and to work for what you want – that nothing in life is going to be handed to you. I just don’t know where things went wrong with my two youngest kids – ages 22 and 24 now. I, more than anyone else, know that life can be tough – but you know what?? You do what’s needed in life – for yourself, for your children, for your family. You don’t just blow off responsibilities because you feel like it or you feel like using drugs is more important. 

Posted in Emotions, Uncategorized

Everyone Else’s Needs….

I don’t even know where to begin today, just feeling down, sad, confused, angry, and lots of other things all at once. Per usual these days. Or so it seems.

Although my daughter is home and doing better, she still has lots to deal with emotionally and mentally. But she continues to move forward, trying to get her life straightened out – I’m happy that she is finally making the right moves to do the right things for her and her girls. Now we need to add another pregnancy into the mix of things that needs to be tended to and not only that, but the doctor is thinking she may be having twins this time….OY!! Her hormone levels are super high, much higher than they should be – we hope to find out in the next few weeks if it’s one baby or two. Just have to wait and see.

Along with my own troubles – including significant money issues, I have so much to contend with regarding my son. He said to me last weekend that he wants to end the addiction and he just can’t do this anymore. I’m happy this mindset is starting to take place, but the addiction is powerful – too powerful. After making a ton of calls for him, getting information from various rehab centers, I gave that information to him and told him he needs to make the rest of the calls. He has information the admissions people want, that I don’t have – so now it’s up to him. So far, no calls have been made by him. This not only worries me but also makes me angry. Why angry? First is due to the fact that I made all those calls – he was right here in the same room while I did that – and he has done NOTHING since then, except go back to the drugs. Second is because he gave me a little bit of hope and then dashed it.

I feel like he used me and my emotions to his advantage, but then again, that’s what he does. I have tried for so many years to not enable him in any way – no money is given to him by me at any time, I refuse to do that. All I do is let him sleep here on occasion and get some food into him. I’m thinking of even stopping those things, but I don’t know if I can go through with that. I’m tired of these continuous emotional games he plays, the roller coaster is just too much these days.

I feel like I’m taking care of everyone else’s needs and not my own, like usual. When do I stop doing this to myself? How much more can I do and put up with before I totally snap? I really just want to run away and never be found again. 

Posted in Emotions

My emotions

Damn, I hate having all these emotions!!! I’m so tired emotionally, so overwhelmed with everything – I just can’t seem to function right now. Between my daughter’s attempted suicide and my son’s addiction, as well as ALL of the consequences that go with both of those, I’m totally spent. I just wish I knew how to get through everything.

I’ve never really liked being able to “feel” emotions, mostly because of my childhood and being “taught” and told by my parents, Dad in particular, that I wasn’t allowed to show whatever I was feeling and/or thinking. Although I have become more in touch with my feelings as I’ve gotten older, this “teaching”  has stayed with me my entire life, unfortunately. Being in therapy has certainly helped with being able to deal with all the emotions.

Not only do I have to deal with all these damn emotions, thoughts, feelings, I’m also sick of being judged for my kids’ actions and choices. Since they are adults, their choices and actions are way beyond my control and I wish people would realize that. Others just don’t seem to understand that although I can give my advice and try to guide my kids, I certainly cannot force them to do what I want them to do. 

With all of the judgment, my own thoughts and feelings – my emotions are in overdrive right now. It’s really becoming difficult to manage them. Really wanting to revert to my old habits of self-harm, but I know that’s just not a healthy alternative. 

UGH! I really hate life right now. 😦 

Posted in Uncategorized

Millions of Thoughts

via Daily Prompt: Millions

Millions – I’ve probably had millions of thoughts this week, like most people, but this week has been especially hard and has prompted those “millions” of thoughts. Because my daughter attempted suicide earlier this week, it’s been a whirlwind of emotions, thoughts, feelings, etc. Not really knowing what to do with all those has been difficult to get through, it’s also been extremely tiring. Fatigued just isn’t a strong enough word to describe just how tired I am right now.

But this week hasn’t been about me and it shouldn’t be – it’s about my daughter and her “millions” of thoughts. Those thoughts are what prompted her to try taking her life, those so many millions of short, rapid thoughts going through her head all at once were just too much for her to try dealing with. She just felt everyone would be so much better off without her in this world – including her two young daughters. I hope, with time and therapy, she can come to find some peace with all those “millions” of thoughts she has had for so long. I hope she will be able to replace those thoughts with millions of good ones. She deserves that much; so do her daughters. They should not live without their mother, they deserve to have her for as long as humanly possible. I hope she keeps them in mind in the future.

Let’s hope this next week, and all those after it, brings many more “millions” of GOOD thoughts to all.

Posted in Suicide, Daughter, Thoughts, Family, Mental Health

Suicide

Suicide is such a touchy subject and one that needs to be discussed more openly, it’s such a prevalent thing in our society, unfortunately.

This week has been such a whirlwind – my beautiful 22 year-old daughter attempted suicide, I’m just heartbroken that things came to this. This happened Tuesday afternoon after she and I had a hard discussion. Because of some of what she said to me and the fact that she stopped responding to me, I went to see her. While there with her, we came up with a plan for me to help her by taking her to a hospital for a psych evaluation. This was to take place after she was to attend an already scheduled meeting; I wanted to stay with her until that meeting was over and then go to the hospital from there. I promised her that I would stay with her during the entire process. But she convinced me to leave and I felt kind of okay with leaving only because her boyfriend was there with her at the time.

When I left I went to a friend’s house for a little bit. While I was getting ready to leave to meet my daughter, I received a phone call telling me she had been taken by ambulance to the local hospital because of an intentional overdose. Long story short, she is a very lucky girl right now. She had some liver damage in the early stages of this, but the numbers have since returned to normal….so very lucky and I’m not convinced that she fully realizes this. I just don’t know.

So many things going on in that girl’s mind of late, I knew she has needed help for some time. I’ve been trying to convince her for weeks to seek help and she’s been very resistant to it. Now, after this episode, she seems to be more receptive to it…I really hope she is. There are so many things she needs to work through and try to come to some sort of resolution, not the least of which is the emotional damage her biological mother has done to her.

When her bio mother, aka the “egg donor”, finally made the decision to abandon her at 4 years old, it was a true blessing for all involved. There were no more ER trips because of things that were happening to her at the hands of the one who birthed her. There were no more car accidents, there were no more dietary issues, there were no more reports that needed to be made to DCYF, there was just no more bad stuff going on. Such a blessing for my daughter and I call her my daughter because that’s what she is – in every sense – including legally, except biologically. I was finally able to adopt her when she was 5 1/2, what a great day that was!!

In recent years, she tracked down her egg donor and has had a lot of interaction with her – but none of it was good. None of it was healthy for my daughter, the ignorant bitch played so many head games with my daughter over the last few years – she has hurt her in so many ways, so many times. She has never valued or even wanted her own daughter – NEVER, right from the time she was born – she only thought of that girl as a burden. She has treated her horribly and I have watched this for way too long and now my daughter has tried taking her life – mainly because of this stupid, ignorant woman.

Recently, my daughter’s egg donor told her she wanted nothing more to do with her own flesh and blood. This was such a blow to her and even though she tried blowing it off, I know this hurt her a great deal. But she wouldn’t talk about it further than that. She just kept saying she was glad she didn’t have contact with her now.

This just gets worse, this absolutely horrible, despicable person that likes to call herself “mom” found out that my daughter had attempted suicide and was in the hospital. She was able to send my daughter, once again – her own flesh and blood, a message that I still have a hard time that she actually sent. She told MY daughter that she wished she hadn’t survived this. I just cannot imagine how this has made this beautiful, but troubled young woman feel…I just cannot fathom saying such a thing to any of my children. I just don’t get how one can feel such hatred towards their own child.

I am not a violent person by any means, but if I were to see the “egg donor” right now, I would end up in jail for seriously hurting this woman. I know it’s not right to have these kinds of thoughts, but I have watched MY daughter go through so much hell, over so many years at the hands of this evil, vile woman. There are so many things I want to say and do, but saying or doing anything will do nothing but cause so much drama. And that’s just not needed right now. But I do wish…..

Again, I know that suicide is a touchy subject – but it really does need to be talked about so much more than it is.

Posted in Drugs

Addiction Sucks 

My 24 year old son is a drug addict, has been for several years now. Started out with pills, then to coke, crack, now its heroin and meth. He’s so open with me, he tells me almost everything that’s going on in his life. Including the times that he has overdosed and needed the use of Narcan, which he most recently needed last month. A total of four doses were used to revive him in one episode. 

He also told me last month that he is now dealing/selling, apparently being one of the bigger dealers in the area. This scares me beyond belief, as I am very aware of the possibilities of what could go wrong. 

Last week,  I found out that he has been screwing his suppliers out of money. To the tune of thousands of dollars.  Because of this, there is now a “hit” out for him. I’m not sure what the details are for this hit…whether it’s just to “mess him up” by beating the crap out of him, or if it’s more than that. I’m almost willing to bet there will be more to it. 

I never thought it was possible to worry more about him than I already have been. Well, I was wrong. Now that I have this information, I’m more worried than ever, so fearful that I am going to have a knock on the door or get a phone call with someone telling me he’s dead. Since finding this out I have barely slept, so many thoughts going through my head all night. 

I just want to scoop him up and take him to rehab. But I’m not delusional in thinking that forcing him into rehab would work. I know he has to be ready in order for it to work,  but that doesn’t mean I can’t wish. I have cried so many tears over the years, way more than a Mother should ever have to. But this weekend has been full of tears, I can’t stop them from flowing. I just don’t know how I will be able to get through it if I have to bury him. But this has become an extremely real possibility now, more than it was before. 

I never thought I would be a Mother of an addict. 

Posted in Uncategorized

Father’s Day?

I wish I could say this is a “happy” Father’s Day, but it’s just not. I haven’t spoken to my father in a few years and honestly have no intention of doing it either. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wish things were different because part of me does. After all, he is my father.

But there are reasons for which I feel the way I do and he is well aware of what they are, even though he thinks otherwise. After so many years of the mental, emotional, and sexual abuse I endured at the hands of my father, I simply cannot have him in my life. He is toxic to me and having him in my life just isn’t good for me.

Dad was a drunk and a mean one – we never knew what to expect from him on a day-to-day basis. He would come home from work – already drinking on his way home…so each day was different in that we didn’t know the mood he would be in. Mom would send my sister and I to our rooms when she saw him pulling in the driveway because she wanted us to catch as little of his wrath as possible. It was her small way of trying to protect us; something she couldn’t do a lot of during my childhood.

He started sexually abusing me when I was just a young girl, around 7 years old and this didn’t end until I was around 13-14 years old. This, of course, had a big impact on my life – I started drinking when I was just a young teen and actually had my first full beer when I was 10. The drinking progressed into drug and marijuana use throughout high school and my into my early-mid 20’s. With it coming to a head when I got pregnant with my second son.

Another impact from this was TRUST – I didn’t trust anyone while growing up and I still don’t trust people. It’s a hard concept for me, but over time – I have learned to trust a few people in my life. But even they have limitations – it’s just the way it is I guess. I’m always waiting for those people to “spit” on me some how, these few people probably will never do anything like that. However, I just can’t help the feeling of not knowing….

My father never served any jail/prison time for his actions, but he was indicted by a grand jury and was ordered into therapy (I think there was probation ordered too). These were the days before the sex offender registry was a thing. I do wish there had been more severe consequences for him – I feel he deseveres much more than what he got for what he did.

So, a happy? Father’s Day? No, but it is what it is. I will accept things for what they are. Do I wish things were different? Certainly I do. But will I make the effort to contact him – oh hell no! In my eyes, he doesn’t deserve that effort. Maybe some day I will be able to forgive him for his actions. Not for his benefit, but for me….I hope this is something that will help me to truly move on from this issue (not that I dwell on it, because there really is no point in doing that).

It’s a work in progress…

Posted in Uncategorized

What is my “Perfection”?

Imperfection – that’s what my sense of perfection is. I say this because I am totally imperfect and I’m okay with that. For so long, I tried to obtain perfection in my life – but just wasn’t able to get there. Finally, I realized there is no such as perfection – especially in people, myself included.

Life is totally unpredictable, you just never know what curve ball may get thrown your way. This definitely leads to things being imperfect, no matter how hard you try to make things otherwise. I’m still in the learning phase of going with the flow in life, it’s not always easy as I do tend to be my own worst critic and to be a perfectionist. But I guess all I can do is to keep trying.

It’s okay to not be perfect, but it’s also okay to strive for your sense of perfection for your life.

So yes, my idea of perfection is simple – be IMPERFECT!