Posted in Baby, Daughter, Drugs, Emotions, Jail, Son, Uncategorized

Fed Up

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything about my children. I just don’t even know what to say any more. – I just feel empty these days, like it’s just not worth anything.

Currently my son is in jail on a few charges – possession, selling, driving with no license, disobeying a police officer, and missed a couple of court dates. Until last week, he had not written or called me from jail. But I did receive a letter from him last week. He’s angry at me for a couple of things, but I truly believe he’s angry at himself. Or – that’s what I want to believe. I don’t know any more. I have no idea how long he will be in jail, neither does he right now. He hasn’t gone to court for everything yet.

My daughter is 26 weeks pregnant and continues to use on occasion, which really pisses me off. Not only is she endangering herself, but her unborn baby!!! I’m so scared for that baby, I just hope and pray he will be okay, but the reality is that he may have issues. We just have to wait and see. She blames others for her using – the people who offer it to her, those who won’t stop her, etc. I’m like REALLY??? You’re the one making that choice to use, not anyone else. But she likes to blame others for all that’s ever gone wrong in her life.

I am so done with all of this, just plain done. I’m tired of the blame game, I’m tired of seeing my son’s mugshot all over the place, I’m tired of people informing me of what he’s doing (like I don’t already know), I’m just tired. Maybe I’m wrong for feeling this way, I don’t know, all I know is that’s how I’m feeling. Angry, frustrated, fed up, wishing I could just push them away and not have anything else to do with them (but, I just can’t do that). I know I’m not alone with these thoughts and feelings, but I’m just at a point that I feel like I’m done with everything and I want it all to end. I just don’t know how much more I can deal with.

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Posted in Drugs, Emotions

I’m angry…

I’m so fucking angry right now!!!! I’m hating everything and everyone at the moment and I shouldn’t be that way – I know this, but it’s just the way it is right now. 

Because of my daughter’s stupid-ass, selfish actions – I now cannot see my youngest granddaughter until they go to court. I also have to make arrangements to see my oldest granddaughter. The girls are both with their Dads, as that is what is best for them until my daughter gets her shit together. This is all because of her drug usage – yes, I now have two kids who are drug addicts. My daughter being an addict seems to have far greater consequences than my son’s. That’s because she has children – therefore, others are involved too. And to top it all off?? She’s pregnant again!!! WTF!!! I just don’t get why the hell she is so fucking lazy – she won’t get a job, hell she won’t even attempt to get her damn GED! She says she’s going to do this or going to do that – but doesn’t put any effort into anything. It’s almost like she’s thinking that what she wants is just going to “magically” happen – just because she wants it to happen.

My husband and I did not raise her to be so selfish and downright stupid. We tried to teach the kids responsibility and to work for what you want – that nothing in life is going to be handed to you. I just don’t know where things went wrong with my two youngest kids – ages 22 and 24 now. I, more than anyone else, know that life can be tough – but you know what?? You do what’s needed in life – for yourself, for your children, for your family. You don’t just blow off responsibilities because you feel like it or you feel like using drugs is more important. 

Posted in Emotions, Uncategorized

Everyone Else’s Needs….

I don’t even know where to begin today, just feeling down, sad, confused, angry, and lots of other things all at once. Per usual these days. Or so it seems.

Although my daughter is home and doing better, she still has lots to deal with emotionally and mentally. But she continues to move forward, trying to get her life straightened out – I’m happy that she is finally making the right moves to do the right things for her and her girls. Now we need to add another pregnancy into the mix of things that needs to be tended to and not only that, but the doctor is thinking she may be having twins this time….OY!! Her hormone levels are super high, much higher than they should be – we hope to find out in the next few weeks if it’s one baby or two. Just have to wait and see.

Along with my own troubles – including significant money issues, I have so much to contend with regarding my son. He said to me last weekend that he wants to end the addiction and he just can’t do this anymore. I’m happy this mindset is starting to take place, but the addiction is powerful – too powerful. After making a ton of calls for him, getting information from various rehab centers, I gave that information to him and told him he needs to make the rest of the calls. He has information the admissions people want, that I don’t have – so now it’s up to him. So far, no calls have been made by him. This not only worries me but also makes me angry. Why angry? First is due to the fact that I made all those calls – he was right here in the same room while I did that – and he has done NOTHING since then, except go back to the drugs. Second is because he gave me a little bit of hope and then dashed it.

I feel like he used me and my emotions to his advantage, but then again, that’s what he does. I have tried for so many years to not enable him in any way – no money is given to him by me at any time, I refuse to do that. All I do is let him sleep here on occasion and get some food into him. I’m thinking of even stopping those things, but I don’t know if I can go through with that. I’m tired of these continuous emotional games he plays, the roller coaster is just too much these days.

I feel like I’m taking care of everyone else’s needs and not my own, like usual. When do I stop doing this to myself? How much more can I do and put up with before I totally snap? I really just want to run away and never be found again. 

Posted in Suicide, Daughter, Thoughts, Family, Mental Health

Suicide

Suicide is such a touchy subject and one that needs to be discussed more openly, it’s such a prevalent thing in our society, unfortunately.

This week has been such a whirlwind – my beautiful 22 year-old daughter attempted suicide, I’m just heartbroken that things came to this. This happened Tuesday afternoon after she and I had a hard discussion. Because of some of what she said to me and the fact that she stopped responding to me, I went to see her. While there with her, we came up with a plan for me to help her by taking her to a hospital for a psych evaluation. This was to take place after she was to attend an already scheduled meeting; I wanted to stay with her until that meeting was over and then go to the hospital from there. I promised her that I would stay with her during the entire process. But she convinced me to leave and I felt kind of okay with leaving only because her boyfriend was there with her at the time.

When I left I went to a friend’s house for a little bit. While I was getting ready to leave to meet my daughter, I received a phone call telling me she had been taken by ambulance to the local hospital because of an intentional overdose. Long story short, she is a very lucky girl right now. She had some liver damage in the early stages of this, but the numbers have since returned to normal….so very lucky and I’m not convinced that she fully realizes this. I just don’t know.

So many things going on in that girl’s mind of late, I knew she has needed help for some time. I’ve been trying to convince her for weeks to seek help and she’s been very resistant to it. Now, after this episode, she seems to be more receptive to it…I really hope she is. There are so many things she needs to work through and try to come to some sort of resolution, not the least of which is the emotional damage her biological mother has done to her.

When her bio mother, aka the “egg donor”, finally made the decision to abandon her at 4 years old, it was a true blessing for all involved. There were no more ER trips because of things that were happening to her at the hands of the one who birthed her. There were no more car accidents, there were no more dietary issues, there were no more reports that needed to be made to DCYF, there was just no more bad stuff going on. Such a blessing for my daughter and I call her my daughter because that’s what she is – in every sense – including legally, except biologically. I was finally able to adopt her when she was 5 1/2, what a great day that was!!

In recent years, she tracked down her egg donor and has had a lot of interaction with her – but none of it was good. None of it was healthy for my daughter, the ignorant bitch played so many head games with my daughter over the last few years – she has hurt her in so many ways, so many times. She has never valued or even wanted her own daughter – NEVER, right from the time she was born – she only thought of that girl as a burden. She has treated her horribly and I have watched this for way too long and now my daughter has tried taking her life – mainly because of this stupid, ignorant woman.

Recently, my daughter’s egg donor told her she wanted nothing more to do with her own flesh and blood. This was such a blow to her and even though she tried blowing it off, I know this hurt her a great deal. But she wouldn’t talk about it further than that. She just kept saying she was glad she didn’t have contact with her now.

This just gets worse, this absolutely horrible, despicable person that likes to call herself “mom” found out that my daughter had attempted suicide and was in the hospital. She was able to send my daughter, once again – her own flesh and blood, a message that I still have a hard time that she actually sent. She told MY daughter that she wished she hadn’t survived this. I just cannot imagine how this has made this beautiful, but troubled young woman feel…I just cannot fathom saying such a thing to any of my children. I just don’t get how one can feel such hatred towards their own child.

I am not a violent person by any means, but if I were to see the “egg donor” right now, I would end up in jail for seriously hurting this woman. I know it’s not right to have these kinds of thoughts, but I have watched MY daughter go through so much hell, over so many years at the hands of this evil, vile woman. There are so many things I want to say and do, but saying or doing anything will do nothing but cause so much drama. And that’s just not needed right now. But I do wish…..

Again, I know that suicide is a touchy subject – but it really does need to be talked about so much more than it is.