Empty…

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything here, but I have decided that I’m going to start writing again because it may help me with things. IDK – hoping, I guess.

I’m not really sure what I’m feeling tonight, except empty. I haven’t been able to feel much of anything lately except anxiety and emptiness. Not really sure what that’s all about, but working on trying to figure it out. 

Sometimes it feels as though no one wants anything to do with me, unless something is wanted/needed from me. My so-called “best friend” just wants sympathy and wants to be enabled. Well, I’m tired of doing that because I’m done enabling her. I don’t want anything from her, I’m not even sure I want a friendship with her any longer. It’s not like anything has taken place to make me feel this way except that she has become all about her lately and no one else matters. There are times that it seems that her own family doesn’t matter to her too much any more. At best, she is unreliable. At worst, she is very selfish. 

I don’t know, maybe it’s me – maybe I’m just trying to isolate myself even more than I normally do. I feel like I’m changing and don’t want much to do with anyone these days. I just want to be left alone and I feel like I’m just putting on a happy face to satisfy everyone around me.

Wishing, wishing, wishing I could get beyond this feeling of emptiness….

Weekly Photo Challenge – Atop

Atop

This picture is one of several I took 5 years ago in a nearby town. This arch sits on a small hill and this was a beautiful March day (when we didn’t have much snow apparently), so my son, daughter-in-law, and myself went up there for a few hours one afternoon. They both did some drawing while I took some pictures.

Here’s a link in case anyone would like a little history on this arch – enjoy!  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memorial_Arch_of_Tilton

Daily Prompt – Label

via Daily Prompt: Label

Personally, when I think of the word label I think of stereotyping and I hate that we have so many labels for people. We aren’t a label, we are PEOPLE, with feelings as well as being able to think and have opinions about anything at all. Labels really don’t describe people – we are WAY more interesting than a stupid label and everyone really needs to remember that. 

Stereotyping sucks, plain and simple. Just because some people who may be similar – for whatever reason – might do things the same or even close to the same, doesn’t mean that all from that group will do that. I may have a similar background as others, but that certainly doesn’t mean anything when it comes to the way I think, how I might respond to something, or how I feel about things. It just simply means our backgrounds are similar, that’s it.

Let’s get over trying to fit everyone with a label….

Fed Up

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything about my children. I just don’t even know what to say any more. – I just feel empty these days, like it’s just not worth anything.

Currently my son is in jail on a few charges – possession, selling, driving with no license, disobeying a police officer, and missed a couple of court dates. Until last week, he had not written or called me from jail. But I did receive a letter from him last week. He’s angry at me for a couple of things, but I truly believe he’s angry at himself. Or – that’s what I want to believe. I don’t know any more. I have no idea how long he will be in jail, neither does he right now. He hasn’t gone to court for everything yet.

My daughter is 26 weeks pregnant and continues to use on occasion, which really pisses me off. Not only is she endangering herself, but her unborn baby!!! I’m so scared for that baby, I just hope and pray he will be okay, but the reality is that he may have issues. We just have to wait and see. She blames others for her using – the people who offer it to her, those who won’t stop her, etc. I’m like REALLY??? You’re the one making that choice to use, not anyone else. But she likes to blame others for all that’s ever gone wrong in her life.

I am so done with all of this, just plain done. I’m tired of the blame game, I’m tired of seeing my son’s mugshot all over the place, I’m tired of people informing me of what he’s doing (like I don’t already know), I’m just tired. Maybe I’m wrong for feeling this way, I don’t know, all I know is that’s how I’m feeling. Angry, frustrated, fed up, wishing I could just push them away and not have anything else to do with them (but, I just can’t do that). I know I’m not alone with these thoughts and feelings, but I’m just at a point that I feel like I’m done with everything and I want it all to end. I just don’t know how much more I can deal with.

Daily Post = One-Word Prompt

Criticize

Oh, how I dislike the word “Criticize” – it’s such a negative thing.

I do not like being criticized nor do I like criticizing people. Finding fault with people just is not what I want to do. Everyone has faults, that’s just part of life – no one is perfect and that’s the beauty of life. People’s imperfections do not give us the right to criticize – discussing is one thing, but outright criticizing just isn’t acceptable – at least to me it isn’t. 

My mother criticized me my entire life, right up until she died. It was horrible never being able to live up to her standards, which were exceptionally high when it came to me. I never really fully understood her need to do this to me. Maybe it’s because of her that I hate criticizing people; I know there have been times that I’ve caught myself doing it and then I really beat myself up for it. I’m not perfect by any means, but I do try very hard not to do to others what was done to me.

Why do so many people feel the need to criticize, to cut others down, to make fun of, to judge, etc.? Is it because of our own fear of failing? Is it because we don’t understand? Is it because of our own pain that we do this?

Wouldn’t it be better to help others grow by being constructive in their lives, rather than be destructive?

Weekly Photo Challenge – Shadow

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/photo-challenges/shadow-2017/

Shadows really can change and/or give a different perspective on things. This picture was taken on a cold winter day and Lucky (the cat) was trying to “catch some rays”. He is the type who loves the sun and the warmth from it (like most creatures, including us humans). 

After having taken and posted this photo on Facebook, it was then that I noticed his shadow made him look like Batman. LOL   

I think this whole picture is pretty cool – the sun shining across him, almost giving him a glow; the lines on the carpet from the blinds on the window; and of course the cat’s shadow. 

🙂

Weekly Photo Challenge: Solitude

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/photo-challenges/solitude/

This picture really represents solitude to me, I had taken this picture – along with several others, of the icicles that were right outside my window. At that point, I had a small room where I had my sewing stuff and there was the window to let in lots of light. On this particular day, I remember feeling rather empty and alone (even though I was still living with my husband and daughter at the time). So I got my camera out and just started snapping some pictures.

I’ve always been fascinated by icicles – they just look so cool and interesting. But at the same time, they can be somewhat dangerous – depending how big they get and when/where they fall. I like how some of these almost look see-through, while others are opaque.

Maybe it’s just the way I was feeling that day, I’m really not sure, but the solitude came from the fact that I felt “trapped” – lonely, alone. And this picture really reminds me of that time – the way they almost look like bars on the window – trapping me in that room.

Feelings of love?

Oh boy, have I ever set myself up for a release of emotions! And I’m not sure I’m liking what I’m feeling these days. 

After having started volunteering at the local food pantry a few months ago, the pantry director and I have become good friends. She is also a Pastor. I don’t know why this woman has entered my life, but she is there. Other than a couple of weddings and funerals, I have not stepped foot in a church in approximately 40 years, until this past fall. For some time now, I have felt that I need “something” in my life to help me get through life’s trials and tribulations. So I started attending her church about 3-4 months ago – it was kind of funny when I went, because I made the comment that the church would blow up because I was in it. Needless to say, nothing blew up. 😉 

God, and religion of any sort, have not been a part of my life since I was about 12-13 years old, when I basically “denounced” God. Given all the horrors that happened during my childhood, I gave up on God – thinking that I was being punished by Him for some unknown reason. I also had the thought of “If there is a God, why is He allowing these things to happen to me?” So, I just pushed it all out of my life – wanting nothing to do with it in any way. Until now.

Well, now that this woman, a Pastor, is in my life and I’m actually attending her church – I’m beginning to feel some feelings and emotions that have long been buried. And again, I’m not sure I’m liking it. But, I think I’m at a point in my life that I need for this to happen and that’s because of all that my family is going through these days (and has been for some time now). I just feel like I need a little extra help with getting through everything. 

So, I’m learning a lot about God and Jesus. Today during church, the Pastor announced that she is starting a new ministry that the church is spearheading. She then announced that I’m in charge of this ministry – this is news to me!! I’m actually excited about this as it allows my creative side to come out AND I get to help children! But after she announced this, she had all of us stand up and then had everyone place a hand on me and pray/bless this ministry. I got very emotional, still am actually. I’m not sure I can even really explain what I’m feeling, except maybe love? acceptance? Hmmmm…..I’m just really not sure yet.

Graceful – Weekly Photo Challenge

Graceful

Here are my takes on this week’s photo challenge.

The first is a picture of my cat that I took just a couple of days ago. I was working on a spreadsheet project at home for an agency that I volunteer at and my cat, Lucky, was not happy with me because I wasn’t paying direct attention to him. In fact, I kept putting him off for a bit because I needed to complete this project and was on a deadline. So he eventually just “plopped” down next to my computer desk and was “reaching out” to me. I just couldn’t resist, I had to take a picture of him doing this. So, although, he isn’t always the most graceful thing on this earth, he looks fairly graceful here. At least I think he does. 😉

The second picture is of myself with my newborn granddaughter – she was just a few hours old in this picture. She is now almost 3 years old. It just “feels” graceful.

Devastation

Devastation
hmmmm….devastation….so much can be said about this one word, there is just so much that can go with it. Whether it’s within the world as a whole or within one’s own personal life, almost everyone has – or will – experience something that is devastating.

I have experienced a few things in my life that I think of as “devastation”. In more recent years, the first thing I think of is the house fire in 2009 – we lost everything, the house, the belongings inside, all the mementos and sentimental items – like pictures, Christmas ornaments the kids had made over the years, special blankets, etc, etc, etc. So much was lost then – however, a few photo albums happened to be salvaged. I don’t totally understand why those in particular were not ruined, but I am thankful they weren’t. The only rational explanation I received about it is the fact the albums were completely packed into the bookshelf, making it so no oxygen was able to get into them and therefore, not allowing the flames to get inside them. The only other “things” that we did not lose were the animals – they were all able to escape as well. The cat was found hiding in the cellar, she was given oxygen by the firefighters and although her face was a little singed, she was okay. Aside from being very scared. So thankful all were safe.

We often think that we cannot get through something that has devastated our lives, but you know what? Most of the time we are able to do just that – with time and effort of course. Healing needs to happen and sometimes that will include getting angry (at someone or something), but we need to allow ourselves to feel those emotions. No matter how unpleasant they may be. Events that cause devastation can happen at any given time and to any given person – no matter who they are.

I have a good friend who is dealing with her own devastation right now. She has had two dear people in her life pass away over this past weekend. One due to a terminal illness and one due to smoke inhalation in a house fire. These passings are terribly difficult for her and she’s having a very hard time dealing with all of this, which is totally understandable. These were important people in her life. I wish I could take away her pain, but I’m not able to do that. All I can do, I guess, is just hope her pain eases soon.

“Devastation” can truly be life changing…..

via Daily Prompt: Devastation